War Games
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: The paladins build opposing pillow forts and declare war. Shiro is both liaison and collateral.


There was something in the lounge.

Keith edged up to it and tugged at one of the blankets.

"Pidge?"

"Oh, hey Keith. How do you like the fort?"

"It doesn't look super durable," he said, tapping one of the pillows.

"It's just for the noise," Pidge said, turning back to her computer.

"Oh. Guess I should leave you alone, then."

"No, it's fine, come on in."

Keith crawled in to the pillow fort. It was warm and low-ceilinged, carpeted in genuine Altean-era space blankets. There was a pillow set aside where the mice were sleeping.

"It's kind of nice in here."

"Yeah. Matt and I used to make pillow forts all the time."

"Just for the noise?"

"No, for whatever."

"Sounds good," Keith said, curling up in the corner for a nap.

* * *

There was something in the lounge.

"What's this we have here?" Lance said, pulling open the front flap.

Keith appeared at the door.

"You can't come in our fort."

"What? Why not?"

"Pidge is working."

"Oh come on, I'm not gonna bother her."

"You already are," came a voice from inside.

"Oh yeah? Fine then! Me and Hunk are gonna build our OWN fort and it's gonna be BETTER than yours!" Lance flurried off.

* * *

There was a sound outside the fort.

"Keith, get the door," Pidge didn't look up.

"You thought we couldn't make a better fort than you!" jeered Lance when Keith pulled open the flap. There was another fort on the other side of the room now, slightly taller than theirs. "Well OUR fort is bigger AND it has cookies!"

"Let me guess," Pidge began. "You don't feel like sharing."

"Afraid not!" Lance crowed. "We just want you to know that our fort is better than yours and YOU'RE not invited."

They could see Hunk waving from the fort across the way.

"Well. We're terribly broken up about this," Pidge said.

"And that's exactly how *I* feel when you won't let me into YOUR fort," Lance chided.

"Enjoy your cookies," Pidge said.

"Hmph. We WILL," Lance huffed off.

The fort was quiet for a moment.

"Can you ask the mice to go steal us a cookie?" Keith said quietly.

"You really think they can lift that much? Also, I don't even think they can understand us."

"Right," Keith scoffed. "But are we really gonna let those guys have a better fort than us?"

"What happened to letting me work?"

"Well. Cookies."

"You want a cookie, go join their fort."

"I can't do that! That's enemy territory!"

Pidge smirked.

"Hmm. Well, maybe we can find a negotiator…"

* * *

"So, you want me to…"

"Acquire some of the cookies from Hunk and Lance's fort and bring them to ours," Pidge recited to Shiro, who barely fit into their fort as it was.

"And if they start making demands, come back and talk to us before you agree to anything," Keith added.

"Why can't you guys talk to them?"

"Because these forts are sworn enemies and we need a neutral party," said Pidge.

Shiro snorted.

"All right. I'll see what I can do."

* * *

"Shiro! Do come in to our fort!" Lance beckoned, smiling. "You may notice that our fort is bigger and it has cookies."

"Yes, that's what I'm here to talk about, actually," Shiro said. "Keith and Pidge sent me here to open negotiations."

Hunk and Lance exchanged a look.

"You're not part of their fort, are you?" Hunk asked.

Shiro shook his head. "Unaffiliated."

"Well, even if you weren't, we like you so much we would let you in to our fort anyway," Lance said.

Hunk nodded.

"Of course we would. But we're not so ready to give our cookies away to the other side."

"No, we are not," Lance agreed. "But we might be willing to strike up a deal…"

* * *

"They want Platt," Shiro said back in Keith and Pidge's fort.

"They can't AFFORD Platt!" Pidge pounded the ground, waking up all the mice. "How many cookies did they have?"

"I didn't exactly COUNT them."

"They're not lying about even having cookies in the first place, are they?" Keith asked.

"No, there are definitely cookies in there."

"All right. Next time you go in, get a quick count of the cookies but don't let them see you do it," Pidge said.

"What do you want me to tell them?"

"That if they want Platt, it'll cost ALL their cookies plus ten minutes of the Chicken Dance. In front of the Princess."

"Pidge, what if Platt's not worth that much?" Keith asked.

"Platt is worth MORE than that and you know it!" Pidge snarled.

Platt squeaked happily.

* * *

"Hi, Shiro," Lance greeted him at the door. "Lovely, wonderful Shiro who is always welcome in our fort."

"Well, thank you, Lance," Shiro laughed.

"Of course," Lance said. "Also, we have a password now."

"We do?" Hunk said from inside.

"Yes. OUR PASSWORD IS 'LANCE IS AWESOME,'" Lance shouted to the other fort.

"They can't just make Shiro say that," Keith hissed to Pidge.

"Then we'll do something worse," she said.

"Like what?"

* * *

"All right, guys, I'm back," Shiro said upon returning.

"Hang on Shiro," Pidge stopped him. "We have a secret password now, too."

"We do?" Keith said.

"All right, what is it?" Shiro asked.

Pidge smirked.

"'Lance has hairy nipples!'"

Shiro sighed.

"Really?"

"Yes," Keith and Pidge said in chorus.

"…Okay, then."

* * *

"Lance? Hunk?"

"Who is it?"

"It's me," Shiro laughed.

"Well, ME, what's the password?"

"Lance is awesome."

"Why, thank you!" Lance opened the door. "It means a lot coming from you, Shiro."

"Well, I really mean it," Shiro said.

Lance muffled a scream and fell back on a pillow.

"Wow, good job, you broke him," Hunk laughed. "You know, before we met you, he used to talk about you all the–"

"HUNK shut up!" Lance interrupted.

Hunk snickered quietly.

"He has posters of you."

"HUNK do you want to be banished from our fort forever?"

"You're really gonna do that? Who else would bring the cookies?" Hunk winked.

"I hate you so much," Lance groaned.

"Did you come here for something, Shiro?" Hunk asked.

Shiro paused.

"Honestly, I can't remember."

"Well, what's the gossip from the other side?" Lance asked. "Are they languishing over how much better our fort is? With all its cookies?" He reached over for one.

"Well…" Shiro began. "They were jealous of your password, at least, so they have one of those now."

"Aww yeah!" Lance cheered. "So what is it?"

"Sorry, I'm bound to secrecy," Shiro shook his head.

Hunk grinned slyly.

"Oh you are, huh?"

* * *

"I do NOT have hairy nipples!" Lance shouted at Keith and Pidge's door.

"How do you know our password?" Keith asked.

"Because Shiro's loyalty can be bought with exactly FOUR cookies!"

"Hey," Pidge smirked, "Since you know the password, say it and you can come in."

"PIDGE I AM NOT SAYING THAT!"

"Shiro did."

"AND NOW WE KNOW HOW MUCH OF A SELLOUT HE IS!"

"Hey," Pidge said, "We didn't offer him ANYTHING to say that and he still did."

"Why do you guys hate me so much?" Lance whined.

"We don't," Keith said. "You should be honored that you get to be in our password."

"I'LL PUT _YOUR_ NIPPLES IN MY PASSWORD IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL!" Lance shouted.

"He'd be QUITE honored," Pidge grinned. "You should do it."

"No, you should not," Keith said.

"Whatever," Lance bristled. "I just hope you know that we're officially at WAR now, you nipple-freaks."

* * *

At last the envoy returned.

"Hey guys."

"What's the password?"

Shiro sighed.

"Lance has hairy nipples."

"Come in."

Shiro ducked under the blankets.

"We had a certain visitor from the other side," Pidge began.

"I heard," Shiro nodded.

"And it would seem he knows our secret password."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes," Pidge went on. "Now, how do you think he learned it?"

Shiro put his palms out.

"I'll tell you how," Keith said. "SOMEBODY ratted on us!"

"I am sorry to hear that," Shiro said.

"Don't you give us that!" Pidge said. "There were THREE people who knew that password and only ONE of them left the fort."

"And that means it had to have been THAT person who told them!" Keith said.

Shiro sighed.

"Okay, fine. You guys are really good detectives. Yes, it was me."

"I knew it!" Pidge cheered. Keith snorted. "So, what happened to you being a neutral party?"

"I'm still not taking sides."

"Well, you're on shaky ground with US now," Pidge said. "I think we might need a favor or two for us to trust you again."

"…What exactly do you have in mind?"

"Hang out with us for half a varga before you go visit the other fort," Keith said. Pidge grinned approvingly at him.

"Well…" Shiro said, pulling a blanket over his shoulders, "If that's what it takes to earn back your trust…"

* * *

"Hey Shiro, can I have a cookie?" Pidge asked.

"Sure."

"Me too?"

Shiro handed one to both of them.

"Hey Shiro, you know you're our favorite, right?"

Shiro laughed.

"I think I do."

* * *

"HEY SHIRO, WHERE ARE YOU, WE MISS YOU!" Lance called from the other fort.

Shiro took off the blanket.

"Well, guys, it's been more than half a varga and I did promise not to play favorites."

Keith and Pidge sighed.

"Fine. Come back soon, though."

"Of course."

He traversed No Man's Land to the other pillow fort.

* * *

"Lance has awesome nipples. I mean–"

This time Hunk opened the door.

"Hey, Shiro. Do you have a tissue on you? We have a really bad nosebleed in here."

* * *

"Okay, what's taking him so long? He promised to come back soon!"

"Maybe they pulled something like what WE just did," Keith said.

"Do I hear voices of discontent around here?" someone said from outside.

Pidge poked her head out of the fort.

"Lance, how long have you been standing out here?"

"Not gonna tell you that," Lance said, dabbing his nose. "I just couldn't help but notice your fort is lacking something that ours has in abundance."

"What, the cookies?"

"No, we ate all those. I'm talking about Shiro."

"Are you saying you took him hostage?" Keith fought for some space in the door.

"We might have."

Keith and Pidge withdrew into the fort to conspire.

"We can't let them keep him," Pidge said.

"I don't know, he's not technically one of OURS."

"Then we'll make him one when we bust him out. They can't have him."

"But if he's part of our fort, he can't negotiate for us."

"They don't need to know that. We'll give him a secret membership."

"I can hear you guys," Lance said from outside. "And it just so happens that Shiro is also a secret member of OUR fort!"

"…that BACKSTABBING–"

"You might not want to say that," Lance said. "You don't know what might HAPPEN to him if we get upset."

"What are you going to do to him?" Keith asked.

"Hunk!" Lance called. "Commence the torture!"

They could hear Shiro shouting, "No! Stop!" before his voice choked out.

"Okay, what's going on?" Keith moved toward Lance.

"A very SPECIAL brand of torture," Lance smiled deviously. "It turns out that Altean pillows are stuffed with Altean feathers that came off of Altean birds. Or maybe, like, Altean donkeys. But these Altean feathers are at least sixty-two percent more ticklish than your average Earth feather. We tested it!"

"You monster," Pidge whispered.

"Indeed I am," Lance grinned. "Because your precious friend at this moment is experiencing the WORST feather-contact you can imagine!"

"You just said he's one of your official forties now, and you're torturing him?" Keith asked.

"SHUT UP! It's still bothering you!"

"I mean, it's bothering Shiro a lot more," Pidge said.

"Yeah, have fun living with yourself after this," Keith added.

Lance scowled.

"Don't make me come in there with a feather!"

"I will fucking kill you."

"No one's fucking killing ANYONE!"

They turned to see Coran at the door.

With something that closely resembled a bazooka.

"If you kids can't play nice, then you're not going to be playing at all!"

Coran fired the canon at Lance and Hunk's fort. A rather fiendish-looking pillow shot out and toppled one of their walls.

"Hostage secured!" Coran cheered, blasting another pillow at the other fort. Keith and Pidge stood up from the wreckage, looking unamused.

"Coran, what the heck are you doing?" Hunk called, untangling himself from the blankets.

"Only what I have to!"

"Coran… it really wasn't that serious," Pidge said as she dug her laptop out of the rubble.

"Oh, we're aware," Allura said, stepping in behind Coran. "But we're ALSO aware that while you were fighting, WE built an impenetrable pillow fort with two levels, running water, and a defense system. I DARE you to come knock it down!"

Allura and Coran tittered and dashed out of the room.

Everyone else stared for a moment before bursting into laughter and running after them.


End file.
